Newly released interviews reveal Trump recognized the seriousness of SARS-CoV-2 but failed to maximize the virus’ fallout.

“Obama would have run in small circles, tossing books and furniture in his wake, sending the stock market crashing, and inciting widespread public panic,” said Pelosi, muttering wistfully about “the golden years.”

“There was a time when we could count on a good panic to manipulate the masses. The past four years, we’ve had to whip up our own, and boy has it been exhausting,” Schumer chimed in. “From Russia, to Ukraine, to the southern border, and now China and back to Russia again, I can hardly keep up with all the manufactured drama. My wife says I should go out for the Bachelor.”

Never one to miss an opportunity to tear at the country’s seams, AOC expressed her utter shock and disgust at whatever it is Trump’s supposed to have done this time. “What’s that? He deliberately stayed calm? Sexist pig. Down with the patriarchy,” she commented, adding, “This is nothing, nothing at all like when Hillary lied about Benghazi. In fact, Hillary who? I don’t think such a person ever existed. That would be embarrassing for us.”

McEnany was peppered with the usual array of insightful, hard-hitting, and fair-minded questions at her daily briefing, like, “Does Trump’s failure to have a public meltdown confirm once and for all that we hate him–I mean–that he should be exiled to Antarctica?” And, “In a time so rife with misinformation, can you explain to us why Trump didn’t fuel the fire with personal speculation? We so enjoy fire.”